Just Let It Go!

I recently relapsed.

A dumb boy hurt my feelings (or rather I let my feelings be hurt by what he did) and instead of brushing it off I got angry.

I’ve never, even at my most unfeeling times, been an angry person. I’ve been fortunate enough to understand that anger is a secondary emotion – a reaction to something deeper. But because I’m still working on understanding my own feelings (and I don’t really know what to do with them) the anger that sparked set a fire I didn’t know how to stop. No matter what I did I couldn’t seem to get the feelings to go away. I cried, I vented, I even broke pencils, but to no avail. Every time I thought about it the b**** would rear her angry head. I was miserable. I tried to rationalize with myself “He didn’t mean to, it’s a really small thing to be angry about, why are you being so irrational” but I couldn’t shut the feelings off. The anger was easier to handle than all the pain it was drudging up. Every insecurity I had kept surfacing. It was stupid. It was irrational. And I thought it was uncontrollable.

I woke up in the middle of the night and all the anger flooded back to me. I laid there imagining the things I wanted to say, the hurt I wanted to express. And then a single thought silenced it all “Is this really helping you? Is it helping them? Howis being upset about this beneficial?” All I could think was that it wasn’t. No one had purposefully hurt me. Nothing was actually said TO hurt me. I was the one who was reading into things. Were my assumptions correct? Maybe, maybe not. But what good was being so angry and hurt doing? I tried to think of a single way that telling this person they had hurt me could return a positive outcome. There was none. And choosing to feel like this wasn’t helping me in the least.

I needed to let it go. But I had no idea where to start, this wasn’t something I’d ever consciously done before – but I knew if I didn’t just jump in and try I’d get overwhelmed all over again. So I started with admitting that the anger was just a reaction to the pain. And the pain was a reaction to my insecurities. And those insecurities were unfounded fears that I have been working so hard to overcome. I felt like this person had given validation to those insecurities of “no one cares” and “I’m not enough”. But he didn’t – he couldn’t – because the only person who can feed that demon is me. I had to forgive, both him and myself. I wasn’t going to let this one stupid incident effect the positive changes I’ve been working to make in my life. I closed my eyes and just kinda meditated for a minute, imagining all the painful self-talk I’d had throughout the day leave my body and then replaced it with words of affirmation and comfort.

I made a bad choice this weekend to get upset over something stupid. But I made a really good choice to let it go and be happy. I woke up the next morning feeling as if the day before was just a really bad dream. Though the weather outside was dark and cloudy I was feeling bright and shiny. I wish I’d learned how to do this years ago, this would have helped me overcome so much! But I know it now, and I’ve been applying it ever since. It’s made a world of a difference!

Do you have something you have been holding onto? Are you ready to let it go? Here are some steps I recommend:

1. Think about it – What are you REALLY upset about?

Often our actions are derived from emotional reactions to our own emotions – how you feel about something you feel. It might seem redundant, but like with my friend this weekend I was feeling angry about being hurt. Understanding the separation between your primary and secondary emotions can help you cope with what is really going on. So think about it. Are you angry about what happened OR are you angry about how what happened made you feel?

2. Are you choosing to respect other people’s opinions over your own?

The only person whose opinion matters here is yours. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” And it’s true! If you let other’s opinions have a say in your insecurities that’s your fault, not theirs. Sorry if that seems harsh, but it’s true. I, as much as everyone else, struggle with what others think of me. But it’s not fair to me to do that to myself when in truth I’M AMAZING! I’m not bragging or being conceited, I have so many great qualities, sure I have a few flaws but those just give character. It does me NO good to wallow in the opinions of others. It doesn’t help you at all either. You are INCREDIBLE. And you can’t let anyone convince you otherwise. The moment they convince you is the moment you made the choice to believe in others instead of yourself. DON’T DO IT!

3. Forgive all involved – including yourself

Grudges weigh on the soul. Holding a grudge against someone doesn’t get back at them for what they did or said. The only person who gets hurt by holding onto something is YOU. As Buddha said, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” It’s stupid. It’s not worth it. Forgiveness is less about excusing what they did, and more about preventing the destruction of your soul. But it’s not just about forgiving others. You must also forgive yourself. You are human. You will make mistakes, it’s inevitable. But when you do you have to realize that the situation is over – there is nothing more you can do about it – and move on.

4. Change the way that you talk to yourself –  from harsh self-talk to positive self-affirmation.

We are all our own harshest critics. Would you be friends with someone who talked to you the way that you talk to yourself? Probably not. Would you ever say to your best friend the things you say to yourself? NO! Because you love them. Well, you need to start loving yourself a little bit too. You are a beautiful, kind, smart, wonderful human being who is capable beyond even your understanding.

I promise you, letting things go – past or present – will open you up to a brighter, happier world. And who doesn’t want that?

There is so much out there that you SHOULD be letting in, but if you’re filled with negative emotions there’s no place to put all the positive ones! So let it go, my fellow hopefuls. Let the anger, pain, resentment, guilt, negativity, bitterness and hurt go and welcome in all the good the world has in store for you. I promise you won’t regret it!

XOXO,

Sierra